A lot of awesome souls have been texting me the past few days, messaging me, and writing on my Facebook and Blog to see how I'm doing. So I thought I'd write an update here.
First, I just want to say that the words 'thank you' seem so incredibly inadequate. But I'll continue to say them. Because I mean them from the very depths of my heart. Thank you to everyone who has read my story. Thank you to everyone who has shared their own story. Thank you for the constant words of encouragement. The, "I'm praying for you's." The hugs. The love. The silence. The smiles. The tears. Thank you for grieving with me and Dan.
I've had some moments where I've been really angry. Mostly I just feel exhausted. But I've been angry at my body, or that I got all worked up about having a baby and it didn't work out. Angry at the doctor who made it seem like our little life didn't really matter. Angry at the thought of, "it wasn't meant to be." It was meant to be. Everything that has happened was meant to be. Maybe I should be asking 'why' or lamenting over a lack of understanding, but I'm just not. God just IS, and that's enough for me. It trumps the anger. It gives a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I've cried more tears than I thought were possible for a human. I never know what the next moment is going to hold...emotionally or physically. One minute I'm feeling okay and the next, doubled over in pain or just crying a big, snotty mess. But God is enough. He is faithful. He is giving me exactly what I need in every moment, even when I don't recognize that I need something...or even when I try to reject something.
He has sent me story after story from friend after friend, who have walked this road. I've cried for many other babies who have gone to Heaven after just a few short weeks of life. I've cried for other Mommas who never got to meet her child. I've rejoiced with them over the goodness of our God and that one day we will get to meet these babies in Heaven.
Today, I had some alone time. It's been good. I went to Central Market this morning and ran a handful of other errands that I enjoyed doing. I sent the husband off to work after lunch, and spent some time with Jesus, just being quiet. And crying. And telling Him my hopes and fears, out loud. I took a shower and washed my face. I looked at my calendar and did some planning. It's been a day of moving forward, but taking those moments when I need them, to pause and acknowledge my grief. I am thankful for all of these things.
This weekend we are celebrating a close friend's baby. Baby Abby. She should be here in September. I am so, so, so excited for this little life. I was nervous at first, since this is taking place in my home, but preparing for it has been both therapeutic and healing. My friend Melissa is coming over tomorrow to help me decorate and put the finishing touches on flower arrangements, paper plate placements, and all those little things in between. Our friends are such a beacon of light and grace. Just floored at it.
Telling our story has helped us so much in the entire process. Somewhere in Psalms it says that confessing to one another is healing to your bones. I believe this is true in every way it reads. I'm living it right now. I would be nowhere without my God and my community. It doesn't make it easier to deal with...this is the most painful thing I've ever endured...but it makes it bearable. Comfort, kind words, encouragement, hearing other's stories. We are not made to do this alone, and for that, I am glad.
Thanks for reading. Love to you all.