The Dreaded "M" Word: Miscarriage

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.” - Job 1:20

Three weeks ago, I was late. Really late. After a few tries, we got several positive pregnancy tests and were shocked. We were not planning this. We were terrified, but it began to turn into excitement. And the way I deal with things and big changes like this, is to plan my little heart out. Plan, we did. We talked about names, furniture, what doctors we would see...what classes we would take...anything and everything we could to prepare. I began combining all the things I had been bookmarking and pinning, onto a giant registry list so I could get organised.

I kept telling everyone I was 6 weeks along every single week, haha. It was exciting and confusing. Sometimes it seemed real, but most of the time I felt like an alien, or like I was in someone else's body. Weird things were happening to me...tiredness, nausea, and a whole slew of other symptoms I had no idea were related to pregnancy. My friends and neighbors began rallying around me, praying for our child and caring for Daniel and I as we began to grasp onto the reality more and more, that we were going to be parents.

This weekend, everything changed. Sunday, I started cramping severely, and bleeding. Not good signs. When both of these things are present, it's a 50/50 on what will happen. But, after a visit to the doctor today, they could not see anything on the sonogram and blood-work confirmed that my HGC had dropped significantly. The lab called with the news. We were loosing our baby.

It's a very strange mix of emotions. I've been working out things in my head all day that sound like "You did something wrong, this is your fault. You didn't do enough. Your body is broken and it couldn't handle this. God decided not to trust you with a child. You aren't good enough." I won't lie, it's really unnerving when you miscarry and start passing tissue and clots that were once a living thing. It's painful, both physically and emotionally. It's weird, it's awkward, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's all very exhausting.

But because of Jesus, we have hope. This is all happening on purpose. We know this is Nature's way of protecting us and our baby. Here are some more truths we are recognizing and clinging to right now. I'm writing this all out to minister and speak truth to myself. I want to remember these moments and remember what God has done. I pray God will minister to you through this.

1. God is enough. If there's anything I've learned through this entire process, of finding out we were pregnant, to this very moment that I'm typing these words, it's that God is in control. Not me. There's nothing I could have done to make this happen, or make this unhappen. I am continuing to ask God for this to saturate my every thought. God hand crafted this entire situation so that we might know Him more. So that we could be a testament of faithfulness, and help others who might experience this very same thing. He is taking us through this trial with purpose and He is sufficient. He is providing everything we need so that we might come out on the other side, more refined, to do His good works.

2. God spared our child from a broken world. Truly. That probably sounds crazy and weird...and maybe it is. But he or she will never have to experience pain, suffering, sickness, loss. We know that God uses those things for His glory (clearly...as in this situation, we pray), but we know that it's far better to be with Jesus. Our baby had a broken 8-week-old body, that is fully restored and made perfect in Him. What grace! (Do you think it's drinking wine with Jesus? Is that weird? How does that work? It's gonna be cool to find out.)

3. We are more rich that I ever imagined. We sent out a few texts after we got the news, and were immediately overwhelmed (the good kind) with offers of food, house cleaning, laundry folding, hand holding and so much more. Like prayers. Those are the best. Petitioning on our behalf to God, that He would heal us, heal my body, and give us hope. A couple we are close to, left us a plant and a card on our doorstep. It said, "A little plant in memory of Baby O'Rodriguez, who is now partying with Jesus!" Love.

4. There is great hope for future children. We know that it's a miracle to even get pregnant. It doesn't seem like it, because it happens to people we know all the time. Conditions have to be so perfect to conceive, and on top of that, sustain life for nine months in the womb. As heartless as this sounds, what happened to us is not uncommon. Cheapy tests from HEB can pick up a pregnancy now, with an HGC level of only 25. That's barely anything. To see anything on the monitor at a doctor's office...you're at least at a 6000 (everyone is different, but this is what my level should have been). But many people like us, go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies, and we are hopeful the Lord will bless us again.



I'm taking the rest of the week off from work to recover and mourn. I can not thank you enough, friends, for the love, support, care, grace, and generosity you have shown. We are blessed  by every one of you.